When I was a teenager, I was very spoiled.

I had an absurd number of bicycles and cars. I didn't know the meaning of what I had. I didn't care about life or death. Those feelings of carelessness were swirling inside of my heart.

The thing that changed my life was a certain meeting with someone. I was nineteen. For me, it was a shocking meeting.

He was a customer in the casino – a bachelor in his thirties. Being a businessman, he had money. He also had a high social position and prestige, and besides that, he also had a beautiful woman with him. He was a perfect person.

At that time, I was working in the casino while also being an assistant for a band. The biggest reason I was backup drummer for the band was because of the charisma of the vocalist. He had a great flair for life in him, and it was his intention to go pro.

However, when this vocalist left to join another band, working as a backup had no more meaning for me.

So approximately a year afterwards, I left the band. Around that time also, I would go in and out of different livehouses, but I never saw my former vocalist.

At that time, I wanted to become more serious about music. However, I had problems [lit; temperature difference] with the people in the bands around there.

Around me, there were a lot of guys who didn't know much and who would say that if things went well, then it would be great to go pro. If they played in a band, then they would be popular with women. Almost all of them were like that. Music was a hobby to them. Their money all came from part-time jobs, such as working at a gas station or at a bar.

Because I was a host and a dealer at a casino, my way of lifestyle was clearly different from theirs. Because of this, I was never close friends with them.

There were times when I would wonder if I really wanted the nightclub entertainment lifestyle. The time when I met this man was exactly one of those times.

Even now, the first words that he ever said to me remain in my memory. "Which one is better, living and thinking that your life is wonderful, or living and thinking that whatever you do doesn't matter? For me, I'm going to live thinking that my life is wonderful."

He said this with a gentle smile.

As he said, "Which one is better?" I thought for a second.

I want to live thinking that my life is wonderful!

It was probably the first time I had thought that since I was born. Because before that, I had been hating life [lit: living in negation]

From that time on, I began to do things with him. I was with him as much as possible. I would go to his house and I would have conversations about various things with him. If I had time, I would be going to see him.

It was the first time I remember that I had an interest in a person besides myself. I wanted to become a person like him.

He would always say "Which one is better, this or that?" and he had a way of talking that was easy to understand.

However, the more we talked, I began to realize that his way of thinking and way of doing things was really different from mine. More than anything else, we were of different caliber.

I hate to lose, so until now if I met a person who was better than me in anything, even a little bit, I would learn that skill until I was better [lit: continue to chase after and cross over]. However, he wasn't at that level. I strongly felt that we weren't standing in the same arena.

Though it's been ten years since then, he hasn't grown nearer. I still don't think we are standing in the same arena.

At that time and place – when I met him – I was born.

I really believe that.

The time when I was nineteen was when I was born. So, as of now, I am still a child. And therefore, my mental age is probably young.

I particularly had no opportunity to become a casino dealer. After I quit the nightclub scene, though somehow there were a lot of other jobs I started, the last one was the position of top dealer at a casino.

In this place, I met someone else. It was a woman who was also working as a dealer there.

Prior to this book, there was an article about her in some sports newspaper. The headline read: "Gackt Marries Blond Woman 8 Years His Senior!"

This was even though in those days, I never had any relationship with a blond woman.

When I was going to record in Los Angeles, I had a conversation with a reporter at Narita Airport. Though I thought I told him not to ask me anything strange, I didn't think it would be anything like that. Immediately following that interview, things like that headline appeared. I read about it in a newspaper in Los Angeles, and I just laughed.

The woman that I have been separated from back then is not a Caucasian woman. Her nationality was Korean. However, I really don't care about things like nationality.

I think that in matters like this, nationality itself is a stupid thing. I wasn't concerned about it.

When you love each other and are together, you will say "I like you" [lit: suki] to the most trivial things. The shape of "like" will change. However, the underlying prerequisite is always love. I think that is the best way.

We got married because she told me "I want to legally become part of your family." [lit: seki o ireru – to be entered in the family register]. I said, "All right, but I'm not going to change anything."

"I'm not worried about the marriage registration, but it doesn't mean anything."

I think that on paper, her nationality was a problem. But she seemed like she wanted proof of our marriage.

However, I think that in the end, this became a huge burden for the two of us. Because we were married, we decided that we had to do this [marriage registration], but conversely, it most likely it strained relations between the two of us.

Crazy fans would do things like wait outside our house, and that became a cause of stress for her. They also harassed us a lot. Frequently, they would prank call our house and hang up without answering.

Under these circumstances, she gradually stopped leaving the house. Finally, she had a nervous breakdown.

"I think we should separate," she said finally.

Of course, though the crazy fans weren't the only reason for our separation, I think that she already had a lot of pressure on her from various other things.

We were married only for a very short time.

I will never marry again. If anyone's name is entered into the family register with me, that will be the time when I die.

If, just before I die, there is someone who wants to be with me until the end and she wants to be legally married with me, and there is proof of us having lived together, I will probably legally marry her.

I also don't want children. I don't think that children make a marriage last longer. There are couples who don't separate because they have good children, but that is very rare [lit: completely strange story].

I was watching a program on television once, where people were saying "No matter what happens, children should always have two parents, not just one." But I think that's a problem.

Children can grow up having just one parent, and children without parents can also grow up.

If the parents think, "We must stay together because we have children," children are always very conscious of what adults think and will feel that way too. And nothing will ever make them change their minds.

When parents love each other, it will mean something to the child. If this is not the case, the child won't know the meaning of having parents.

Of course, if I say that through this I have not even once wanted a child, that would be a lie. I have imagined what my child would have been like if she and I had agreed to have a child. But I will never have children. I feel pity for any child who would have my genes. This is because of the trauma I suffered from my childhood experiences. It was very hard for me. Living through what everyone imagined was an abnormal development became extremely painful.

If there is ever anyone who has my genes, they will have my abilities. I remember what happened when I was young. My parents gave me strange looks when I said I saw spirits, and I was suspected by adults of having a mental illness.

I don't want my child to have those same kinds of memories.

TRANSLATOR'S NOTES
Well, that chapter certainly ended on a depressing note. I believe that Euunice was correct in saying that Gackt seems to want this to be an autobiography/self-help book/lesson on life/all-in-one book. He definitely does this in this chapter. I guess if you want to take his advice on marriage, you're welcome to do so, but if everyone in the world does that, the human race would probably die out. XD

Of course, I'm still quite sure that I don't want to get married, at least not any time soon, so I can see where Gackt is coming from.

I'm getting used to Gackt's writing style, so it is taking me less time now to translate these things, but I still like to take time after I actually finish the translation to go back and edit, so the speed at which I'm putting them out probably won't change. I would like to apologize on Gackt's behalf for the very confusing chapter on his family that was the last post, and I would like to say that I did the best I could in translation, but it still came out pretty badly. This chapter isn't much better in terms of story flow, as you could probably tell: it started out with a story about some guy who had nothing to do with marriage, then spent a few paragraphs on his wife, and then ended in a philosophical discussion about how children are bad. Gackt is probably the worst author I've ever read, and that's saying a lot, cause I've read some pretty terrible ones. I'm hoping that he had someone writing the Moonchild novel with him x_x

And please if you write in Japanese....do not begin sentences with things like "da ga." Or I will have to shoot you.

I also have to take some time here to give thanks and much praise to my trusty Canon Wordtank. If you're ever looking for an electronic Japanese<->English handheld dictionary, I highly recommend any in the Canon brand. The one I have is the IDF-3000, which is the cheapest brand and only has 4 dictionaries in it, but it's proved invaluable to me since I got it and especially since I've been living in Japan. It not only has regular kanji vocabulary in it, but a fair amount of slang terms and vernacular expressions that I daresay can't be found in most print dictionaries or even online ones.

Anyway, if you're interested, check out the above link.

I will most likely be translating chapter 1 of the book next, which talks about his childhood near-drowning and seeing spirits.

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