Gundam Wing is property of Sotsu Agency, Bandai Studios, and TV Asahi. Sainan no Kekka and all original characters and plot copyright 2000-2002 by Quicksilver and Gerald Tarrant. Please ask permission before reposting.

 
This is the FAKE Act 9.2 that we posted as an April Fool's joke on April 1, 2002. Basically, we announced that we would be ending SnK early and cutting it down to 9 acts instead of 13. Then we pretended to delete Act 9.3 and end the fic at 9.2 instead. We then posted this false "ending" on the 1st of April. Hopefully there were not too many people mentally scarred by this...odd piece, because it certainly is odd. In a funny sort of way, though.

If you want to read the "announcement" that the ever so talented and serious Gerald Tarrant wrote about ending the fic early, go HERE. Otherwise, read on for some laughs!

 
SHIN KIDOU SENKI GUNDAM WING

SAINAN NO KEKKA
ACT IX, PART II

 

Kaze wa tada boku o kimagure ni
Mote asobi nagara fukinukeru
Tsurakute mo itsumo makenaide
Sabaku ni saiteru hana no you ni

Brave eyes
Atarashii sora ni kanadeyou
Kakegae no nai egao no tame
Atsui omoi o daite

The capricious wind teases me
And then blows away
Don't give up when things go wrong
Be like a flower blooming in the desert

Brave eyes
Give the sky a new song
For the sake of irreplaceable smiles
Embrace passionate memories

--Gundam Wing, Brave Eyes
[Quatre Raberba Winner image song]

 
 
Scene V: Do You Think God is Dead?

 

"Have you ever looked me in the eye?
Have you ever told the truth?
Come on don't lie."
-Lisa Loeb, Look Me in the Eye

 
Setting up a base was a lot of work. Une knew that from experience, but getting Bern Headquarters online was enough to drive anyone nuts... and she was starting to doubt how sane she'd been in the first place.

By all rights, she should have tossed in the towel. She'd had enough of failure, enough of paperwork, enough of letting Treize's dream fall to the wayside whenever something else became expedited. She wasn't meant for this leadership thing- she was an XO, not a commanding officer. She liked working in the shadows, not having the world's attention focused on her every action.

Still, what was done was done, and she had always been a firm believer in following through with what she started. Staring at the mountainous heap of paperwork in front of her, though, she was beginning to wish otherwise. It had only been two days since the relocation and there was already a thousand things to be done, a thousand and one things that she had to take care of, and she was tired. Brown had been scarce lately, having busy setting up security defenses both around the base and on all communications lines. Just because they'd failed once didn't mean the terrorists wouldn't try again.

She pushed her chair away from her desk, ignoring the intercom, which had begun to beep incessantly again, and stood up, going to the back of her cramped office and pouring herself a cup of well-deserved coffee. Military issue coffee wasn't anything to write home about, which was why she always sent her assistant (Gils-Reve lately, though Li had done so before) out to by a gourmet blend. It came out of her salary, but coffee was the very nectar of life, as any public servant would cheerfully tell you. Somehow word of her excellent brew had gotten out through the Preventers, and she'd been spent a lot of time shooing away officers who tried to snitch a cup.

The coffee in Bern wasn't her usual blend- while good, Gils-Reve hadn't been able to find the usual bitter Sonrisa brand she was used to. It was slightly off, and she found herself adding sugar to it thoughtlessly, where she usually took it black. Great, she thought in weary amusement, I'm going to have a caffeine buzz and a sugar high....

Coffee in hand, she stared out the window, feeling morose. Things were falling to pieces before her eyes, and she doubted that she would have the strength to hold them together for much longer. She thought back to Duo Maxwell's catchphrase with bitter irony. She could run, she could hide, but she could never lie, and she was afraid that she would have to admit to Gils-Reves, to Li, to Sally, to Brown, to all the pilots and those who she had sworn to protect, that she wasn't good enough.

To make matters worse, it had started to rain.

The intercom was still buzzing, and she stalked back to her desk, prepared to flog the person who had the nerve to buzz her during her quiet contemplation. Slapping the button, she snapped, "What?"

"Um... Ma'am? I- I'm not quite sure I believe this, but, you have a call- oh, hell. It's best you see for yourself." Her usually competent and poised aide sounded entirely flustered.

"Patch it through," she said, wondering what could shake Gils-Reve so badly.

"Right away. Um, ma'am?"

"Yes?"

`"May I suggest respectfully that you sit down? This may be a shock...." he babbled.

She took her seat, feeling a weird mixture of bemusement and curiosity. "Open the channel, Gils-Reve," she ordered.

The screen flicked into life, and she dropped her coffee in her lap, scalding herself. She was dimly aware of the pain, but that seemed to be far away. How is this possible? her thoughts screamed in shock.

"Hello, my Lady," the smooth, so achingly familiar voice intoned. "I'm back."

She stared.

Treize Khushrenada smiled at her, then frowned. "What's wrong, my Lady?"

She found her voice then, leaping to her feet, her hands clenched in rage. "I DEMAND to know what's going on! What kind of idiotic prank is this?! Gils-Reve! I want an explanation!!"

The lips of the blond man on the screen curved in a sympathetic smile. "I understand this is somewhat of a shock to you, Lady...I suggest you take your seat?" Eyes flicked momentarily to the spilled coffee, the broken fragments of the coffee cup. "I see you don't believe your eyes."

"You're damn right I don't," Une said hotly, not moving to sit down. "This isn't right...you're dead. I saw you die."

Treize curved one eyebrow. "And seeing is believing, isn't it, Lady?"

Her heart was pounding and she felt sick. This was a prank. It had to be a prank. She had seen Wufei kill him with her own eyes..."What's going on?" she whispered, her hand fumbling blindly around her for any kind of support.

"Une? Dear, can you quiet down and we'll explain?" Another voice, one she had thought lost to her said, and a face peeked over Treize's shoulder, resting a companionable hand on his arm with familiarity.

"Noin?" she exclaimed. "But- what- how?" she stuttered.

Noin's smile was as gentle as ever, though a glint of mischief lit her violet eyes. "It's not so hard to understand," she replied, amusement quirking her lips. "But you need to listen, and listen well."

"I...I don't understand," she croaked. "You're dead...you're both dead." She felt her vision turning black and starry around the corners, warning that she would topple over in a dead faint if she didn't sit down. So she sat.

"I," Treize said gently, "am not dead. Obviously."

Noin laughed. "Really, Une...we thought you'd understand. Can't you tell the difference between a fake death and a real one?"

Treize nodded in agreement, smiling again. "That time I 'died' in space, when Wufei killed me...that wasn't me."

"WHAT?" Une exclaimed.

Treize shrugged. "It was easy enough. Any loyal soldier would be willing to die for their commander. It's all a matter of image manipulation...I placed a masking image hologram inside the cockpit of Tallgeese to fool comm screens into thinking that it was actually me inside...when it wasn't."

Noin nodded sagely. "Like a stunt double."

Une had risen to her feet again, her hands shaking. "You...you KNEW about this, Noin?!"

"Someone had to. I was the one who loaded Kramer- that was his name, Russel G. Kramer- remember? We used to use him for security purposes?"

Une vaguely recalled Treize's look-alike. He hadn't had the same force of presence Treize had had, but Kramer had been a master of waving to the crowds, and with a voice adjuster, had ever given a few speeches when Treize had been occupied elsewhere. "Why did you kill him?" she asked.

Treize ran a hand through his strawberry blonde hair, his expression slightly trouble. "It wasn't an easy decision, but Kramer knew what would happen. He loved the idea of being me... up to and including the point of death."

"That's cruel," Une whispered.

Treize shrugged again. "It had to be done." His eyes were no longer gentle. "Did you really think I would give up my dream that easily, Lady?"

"I trusted you," she whispered. "Damn it...I-" She cut herself short before she spilled her soul to the world. I loved you, she wanted to say. I loved you more than my life itself. Why couldn't it have been me to die for you? Why couldn't...

Noin cleared her throat. "Une?"

She shook her head. "I don't believe you."

"You must, Une." Treize's use of her name instead of her title made her look up at him. "The world is in shambles, and it's up to us to make things right."

"You lied to me the first time," she mumbled. "How do I know you're not lying to me again?"

His smile was strangely sorrowful. "You've changed since we last met... I'm not sure I like it. Where is my Lady who would follow me through hell and back?"

"She grew up," Une said bitterly. "She was forced to... without you, there was no one else to count on."

"Really? What about Quatre? Duo? Why did you let the other three pilots go into hiding? They could have helped, and it would have given them purpose. What about Zechs? Or even the lovely Noin?" Treize shook his head, dismissing her excuse. "No, Une.... there were plenty of people, but you were too proud to trust in anyone."

"Shut up," Une snapped at him. "Where were you, then, o mighty one, while the Preventers were knee-deep in this crisis? I didn't see you coming out of hiding to offer any suggestions."

"I thought you didn't need me anymore," Treize replied. "Apparently I was wrong."

Noin nodded. "It was all Treize, you know. Inciting the riots behind the A007 uprising, among other things. He wanted to stir the World Nation up, get rid of the complacent nest they'd been falling back into."

Une gasped. "So it was you? It was you behind the pilots news release??"

Noin smiled softly. "I used a contact at Headquarters to get Banks assigned to your wing. I knew you'd have some sensitive information there... Trei wanted to see you in action again."

Treize gave her a smile. "Without conflict, humans stagnate." He looked over his former XO with a raised eyebrow. "You've proven that maxim to me."

She clenched her fists, wanting to scream her denial, but unable to. No, no, no..... she thought. This couldn't be happening. Her Treize wouldn't do this to her. Then something Noin had said penetrated her mind. "Trei?"

"You two...seem to be very familiar," she said slowly, not sure if she liked this new revelation or not. "Something's going on that I'm missing."

Noin smiled impishly. "Haven't you guessed yet? Treize and I are lovers."

"WHAT?" Une shrieked.

"It's true," Treize said, with a sidelong look at Noin that was somewhere between affection and exasperation. "Though you could have kept it secret from her a little longer, Lu."

"There wasn't a point. And since we're spilling secrets, I thought we should spill ours." Noin crossed her arms in front of her. "That capture of mine on A007...it was just a way for me to get to Trei and receive new...orders, shall we say." She and Treize shared a smile and a glance.

Une shrieked at the top of her lungs, then grabbed the stapler on her desk, chucking it against the wall. It didn't shatter, so the experience did little to mitigate her temper. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" she demanded fiercely.

Treize's hand wrapped around Noin's waist protectively. "I would think that was obvious, my lady. I never committed to you, and Lu-"

"-was tired of playing faithful gal-pal to Zechs," Noin said.

"You two," Une seethed, "disgust me!"

Treize shrugged and looked sad. "Lu said you would say the same thing," he said quietly. "Unfortunately then, I suppose we have no choice."

"No choice for WHAT?"

"I'm sorry, my lady," he intoned. "I wish things could have been different. I really do."

"TREIZE!" she screamed, pounding her fists on the table, but his image winked out even as she opened her mouth.

Her thoughts were a whirl... and there was only one thing she could think of. Call Milliard and let the blond-haired pilot deal with Treize. Whoever first said "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" obviously knew a woman very much like the indomitable General Une.

Unfortunately, just as she was reaching for the comm to dial, the intercom screeched. "What?" she fairly screamed at it, not needing anything else to ruin her day.

"Err...ma'am?" It was Gils-Reves.

"I know better to expect any good news from you," she said heavily. "Spill it. What happened?"

"The charges on Quatre Raberba Winner have been dropped," he said.

She blinked. "What? How?"

"Legal loophole that Carrington was able to dance through. Something about the arrest and countersuits and... well, to be frank, I didn't understand it all. She's requesting a raise, by the way."

Une rubbed her forehead, wondering why her head was throbbing. When the shit hit the fan, it really splattered. This was great news, but following on the tail of her conversation with Treize, it gave her the feeling that she'd been hit by a bus... or a Mobile Suit. "You'd better not be kidding me!" she growled threateningly.

"No, ma'am! Charges have been dropped, and Winner send his thanks to us for our "superb cooperation and fortitude yada yada yada..."

She grumbled. "All right. I have an important call to make, so unless something major happens, do NOT interrupt me."

Gils-Reve laughed. "Yes, ma'am."

She turned off the intercom, then dialed the familiar number to Treize's old mansion. She hoped Milliard was there...and well enough to pick up. From what she'd heard about A007, he wasn't in too great of a shape.

But her fears were unfounded when the screen flashed and a blond head appeared. "Hello, General," Milliard Peacecraft said, nodding at her. He was bandaged, but otherwise looked well.

"I need to tell you something, Milliard," she said.

"It's Zechs now."

She blinked. "All right. Zechs. I need to tell you something, and don't interrupt me until I'm through."

He raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"I just got a call from the most unexpected source," she said, twisted the bottom of her coffee-soaked shirt between her fingers angrily. Her brown eyes flashed dangerously as she stared at the screen. Zechs seemed to flinch back, as though the laser-sharpness of her gaze was burning him. "Treize just called," she said bitterly.

Zechs blinked. "Huh? But that's-"

"Shut up!" she yelled. "Let me finish, you moron!"

He looked alarmed, but shut up.

"Apparently...he's not dead...well, of course he's not dead...he called. But...apparently he's the one behind the whole thing. The A007 uprising, the pilots' unmasking....Noin's capture..."

If a reaction was what she was looking for, she got it. "TREIZE was the one responsible for her death?!"

"Capture," she corrected him. "Not death. Because um...she's still alive."

He gaped at her. "You're crazy."

"That's what I'd like to think," she said wearily. "But no, they're both alive, and Noin is apparently...involved...with Treize."

"You're LYING!" he spat out.

"Oh?" She was feeling particularly malicious. If she had to suffer, then someone should suffer with her.... misery loved company, after all. Her fingers flew across the unit as she sent Zechs the last conversation to come through. It was Preventer policy to automatically save any conversation that occurred, so it was easy for her to access and send. "Take a look at this."

"Fine." Zechs put her on stand-by and her unit began to play the equivalent of hold music.... she still hadn't had time to customize it.

It was only too short a time before the hold music vanished and Zechs' face reappeared. But it wasn't the face of the man who had spoken to her just a moment before. His eyes were wild.

"Zechs?" she said worriedly. "Are you all right?"

He gave a high-pitched laughed. "All RIGHT? You ask me if I'm all RIGHT?" He laughed again, insanely, and she backed away from the screen involuntarily.

"Zechs, don't do anything-"

"It's too funny." He was giggling now. "So funny....I'm such an idiot. You know that?" He grinned at her.

"That makes two of us..." she muttered. Her eyes were direct. "So what do we do now?"

"WE? WE? WE do nothing, girl! I'M going to go out and castrate Treize for not keeping it where it belongs!"

She looked slightly worried. She was angry, but she didn't want Treize permanently damaged... "We have to worry about the repercussions of his return, Zechs. This will have a serious affect on the world community."

Zechs started to laugh, an insane laugh that sent shudders dancing along her spine. "I don't give a flying fuck!" he exclaimed.

"Apparently if you had given a fuck in the first place, none of this would have happened!" Une declared coarsely.

He leered at her. "Well don't worry. I'm going to come and take care of things. Just stay there, ok? Don't go anywhere."

"ZECHS!" she yelled, but he'd already signed off. "Damn it!" She cursed, kicking her desk and then howled in pain as she stubbed her toe.

Who would take her side? Zechs was lost to her, and she didn't dare trust Sally quite yet. If Noin had defected to Treize's side, who was to say that Sally wasn't in on the plot? Her own subordinates, looking to undermine her...she could hardly grasp the concept.

The next logical step, she reasoned, was to go back to Geneva, where the pilots were. She needed to make sure they hadn't been brainwashed by that...by that damn self-centered bastard.

"Gils-Reve!" she called out, amazed at how shrill her voice sounded. "I want my transport ready, ASAP!"

There was a muffled thump from the offer side of the door, breaking glass, and a gunshot, barely concealed by a silencer. Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she drew her gun and trained it on the door. Was Treize trying to kill her? she wondered.

The door swung inwards, and she lowered the gun as soon as she saw a pair of familiar eyes peering at her from a trademark unibang.

"Trowa?" she whispered.

He nodded slowly. "Just got out of the hospital. I came to see if you needed me," he said to her softly.

Her eyes pooled with tears. Trowa she could trust- she'd always felt a strange affinity for him, but she'd never been more relieved to see anyone in her entire life. "Trowa!" she whispered, then threw herself forward, burying her face in the curve of his neck, sobbing out the last hour of heartache.

 


 
Scene VI: Skeletons in the Closet

 

"Operation filth
They love to love the wealth
Of an SS Whore
Making scary sounds."
--Rob Zombie, Living Dead Girl

 
Darkflight was in his room, packing up his belongings, when he was interrupted. After the attack, it had seemed useless to stay in a place where he was no longer wanted, and had never been wanted in the first place. He wanted out. He was going home to L1.

He'd taken all the free toiletries that the Preventers had offered him in the bathroom: the soap, the shampoo, the towels and toothpaste, even the shower curtain and the bath rug. One never knew what would come in handy back in the Breaks. He'd just finished packing the last of his luggage in a second-hand suitcase he'd snatched from some civilian in the lobby that night when the woman hadn't been watching, was tying his shoes when there was a knock on the door.

"What?" he called irritably. The door swung open, and he recognized the Chinese boy standing there. "Chang Wufei? What do you want?"

Wufei stepped into the room, his eyebrow arching a little as he took in the suitcase next to Darkflight and the bare condition of the room. "Leaving already?" he asked mildly.

"And if I am? It's not like you'd care!" Darkflight returned, glaring at the Chinese boy. "Why are you here?" He was on the defensive, wondering why in the hell a Gundam pilot would be visiting him. Surely they'd have more interest in watching after Wing...no, Heero now.

"I don't like you," Wufei said bluntly. "But some interesting information has come my way recently, something I thought you should see.

Darkflight glared. "The only thing I'm interested in right now is a one-way ticket home!" And possibly a joint.... he thought, but didn't verbalize his craving.

"Humor me," the Shenlong pilot said. He produced a disk from his hip pocket. He slid it into the nearest reader, and a 3D image was projected into the center of the room.

Darkflight recognized the two twisting pictures as DNA, but he couldn't make sense of any of the coloring. "What the hell is that?"

"They took a sample of your DNA when they took you for detox," Wufei said. "And it so happens that...we're related."

Darkflight snorted. "I don't believe it. How could we be related, anyway? I'm part Japanese, not part Chinese."

Wufei looked superior. "That's what you think! These tests proved, without a doubt, that the blood running through your veins is the blood of the Chang family from L5. That means you and I are cousins."

Darkflight gaped at him. "Err..."

Wufei grabbed him and pulled him close in a joyful hug. "It's so good to have a living relative!! The ones I liked all died!"

Darkflight fainted.

When he finally came to, he found himself lying on his bed, with Wufei sitting beside him looking very happy. Which was actually kind of an understatement. The Shenlong pilot was literally bouncing. It was rather odd, to say the least. Darkflight stared for a moment, then sat up, holding his head. "So...I wasn't delusional and just thought up the cousins thing, huh?"

Wufei shook his head, still grinning from ear to ear. Scooting a bit away from him, Darkflight gave a very half-hearted smile. It didn't seem right for his newfound cousin to be smiling like that. It was almost like being face to face with an ax murderer that was quite happy to be doing his job.

"Um... I'm still leaving," Darkflight announced after a minute.

His cousin pouted- actually pouted. "Why? I know we didn't get off on the best foot, but I'm sure we can find plenty in common.... I'm an assassin, you're an assassin...."

Darkflight just stared in shock. "Um...."

"I admit it's not much to build a relationship on, but you have to take what you can get."

Before Darkflight could reply, there was another knock on the door. He cast a sidelong glance at Wufei before he yelled, "What now?" If it was another pilot announcing his newfound relationship with him, he was going to scream.

Unfortunately, it proved to be much worse.

Wing and Shinobu burst through the open door, looking very satisfied about something. Looking from one to the other, Darkflight could see that something was up. "What, Wing?" he snarled, not happy to see either of them, and downright angry that people kept barging into his room without notice.

"It's Heero," his former partner corrected, then chirped cheerfully, "Guess what? Shinobu and I are long-lost brothers!!"

Darkflight fainted again.

Wufei shook his head, still smiling widely. "He keeps doing that." He cheerfully ruffled Darkflight's hair. "Oh! I've got good news too."

Heero blinked, tilting his head to the side. "Really? What is it?"

"Darkflight and I are long-lost cousins. We're going to go into business together, since we're both assassins." Wufei's grin, if even possible, seemed to get much larger.

Darkflight groaned, opened his eyes and stared. "Damn it! Why couldn't it all have just been some horrible dream..." he whined, shutting his eyes again.

Wufei's grin nearly took in his ears, it was so wide. "Cause I've got you, babe!" he said.

Darkflight winced at the bad Cher impression. "Heero?"

"Yes?"

"My gun is in the desk drawer- do me a favor and shoot me, okay?"

Heero blinked, but Shinobu bounced cheerfully over to it. "I will! I think you're a bastard, anyway!" he chirped.

Heero grabbed Shin's shoulder warningly. "That would be a bad idea. If you kill him, Fei'll kill you, then I'll have to kill Fei, then.... it wouldn't be pretty. No killing any Gundam Pilot's family.... it's in our handbook."

Shinobu pretended disappointment. "Can I at least maim him a little?"

Heero looked thoughtful, then shrugged. "Sure. As long as you keep him in one piece."

Darkflight howled with fright and dived under the bed.

 

Quatre was sitting quietly on one of the chairs in their makeshift bedroom, enjoying a quiet minute of contemplation. The trial had been narrowly avoided, thanks to Carrington's expertise, and it had been so long since he'd had a moment to breathe.

"Quatre?" Aisha poked her head into the room.

"Yes?" he inquired, turning towards her, wondering what it was.

"Queen Relena is here to see you," she said. "She's in the lobby."

"Relena? Ah, all right." Quatre replied, giving his sister one of his sweet smiles as he stood and straightened his clothing. He headed out to the lobby, wondering what Relena wanted.

Catching sight of the blonde as he entered the lobby, Quatre raised his hand to wave at her, when suddenly two figures went running past. "Ano..."

"Get back here, you! I still owe you a maiming!" Shinobu yelled as he chased Darkflight through the lobby. The other boy didn't even pause, running past Relena, then stopping just as he got to the other side. "A-atsuki?!"

Darkflight quickly retraced his steps and glomped the girl, forgetting completely about Shinobu.

Quatre watched as Relena blinked. "I'm Relena..." she said, but her words didn't seem to reach the attractively dark boy.

"Atsuki.... I thought you'd died...." he whispered, kissing her on the lips passionately. "I'm so glad you're okay, Tsuki," he whispered.

Shinobu came back, holding the gun and scowling as he recognized the woman the other boy was holding onto. "Hide behind a girl," he muttered with discontent, kicking his shoe against the floor.

The doors burst inwards again, and Quatre gasped as two familiar people raced in, panting heavily. "Did they go this way?" the shorter of them asked, leaning over as he tried to catch his breath.

"HEEROOOO!!!" yelled Relena. "SAVE MEEE!"

Darkflight only held on to her tighter. "Come with me, Atsuki! Let's go find paradise!" He tried to sweep her up in his arms, but Relena squirmed and he lost his hold.

"AHHH!!!" she yelled as she fell over.

Heero and Wufei looked at each other and sprinted into the room, preceded by a gun-waving Shinobu. Darkflight tugged on Relena's hand. "Come on! Let's go!"

"And WHAT," demanded a familiar voice behind Quatre as he looked nervously on, "is this all about?"

"Dorothy!" he cried, turning around and running to hide behind her. "Get me out of here!"

"If you tell me what the hell's going on!" she demanded irritably.

"The world's gone mad!"

"Obviously." The two blondes watched the spectacle, and finally Dorothy couldn't keep it in any longer.

She snickered.

Her laughter rose slightly, and Quatre was surprised that it echoed on his uchuu no kokoro in a strange fashion. He found himself laughing as well, as Relena tried to pry Darkflight off of her, Heero cast indecisive looks back and forth between Shinobu and Darkflight, obviously torn about what to do first, and Wufei watched with fascination, his eyes unable to leave the slender Japanese youth toting the gun.

Relena was still struggling to get away from Darkflight, pouting at Heero the whole time because he wasn't doing anything to save her. "HEERO! Come and kill...err, wait...come and save me now!!" she screeched.

Wufei was playing with the end of his ponytail, looking very thoughtful as his gaze flickered back and forth between Shinobu and Heero. Finally, he sidled up to Shinobu. "What say we go get something to eat? Those three will be like this for quite sometime now."

Shinobu looked at him thoughtfully. "Sure," he agreed happily, hooking his arm through Wufei's, and together they slipped out through the entrance.

Dorothy nudged Quatre and he glanced at her as she indicated the entrance through which Shinobu and Wufei had left. "Should we follow their example?"

He grinned wickedly, but before he could voice his assent, she suddenly gave a startled exclamation of surprise.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you what I came here for! Your sister Atsuki is alive!"

"What?" Quatre exclaimed.

"It seems that she had vampire blood in her, and killing her just turned her into a blood-sucking fiend! She's going to be okay aside from that, though...."

Quatre blinked. He'd hate to see what Dorothy would consider "not okay" if that was her idea of "okay".

"Um.... sure thing, Dottie..."

She scowled. "Don't call me that!"

"It was affectionate!" Quatre protested.

"I HATE being called Dottie- makes me sound like I have acute acne."

"Doro-chan?"

"That's better." She looked over at the other three teens with amusement. Heero looked confused, Relena was squirming, and Darkflight was professing undying love. "Should we separate them and let them know Atsuki's alive?"

Quatre considered it for a moment before shaking his head. "Nah.... it's more fun this way." Giggling, he offered Dorothy his arm, and she took it gracefully.

 

Hilde sighed as she stood just inside the hanger door, watching Duo as he polished Deathscythe. The long-haired pilot was dancing around, music blaring from inside the cockpit of the Gundam. Hilde had no idea how he could stand to listen to such loud and obnoxious music!

Looking down at her watch, Hilde frowned. He had missed their dinner date, and why? Because he was busy polishing his Gundam! She was getting really tired of coming in second place behind Deathscythe Hell when it came to Duo's affection. Watching him for a few more minutes, she finally spun on her heel and stalked away.

Duo's voice floated from behind her, singing loudly and particularly out of tune to a loud and particularly out of tune Japanese song. "I'M JUS IN RAAAB!" he yelled, with Japanese accent and all. "I'M JUS IN RAAAB! OH SING MY LIIIIIIFE!"

"Obviously not in 'raab' with me," Hilde muttered.

A small voice broke into her thoughts. "Hilde?"

She looked around. She was outside the hangar, and there were few personnel on duty for the day and none she could see near her. She wondered if she was finally going crazy from Duo's influence on her when the voice came again from a bush near the side of the road.

"Who's there?" Hilde demanded sharply, and then gasped in shock as a purple-haired girl came crawling out from her hiding place, covered in leaves and twigs.

"Ilene!"

The girl's eyes were softer then they had been before, and Hilde thought she saw the light of sanity gleaming in them.

"I'm glad to see you're okay," she said softly, her eyes looking up at the night sky in a melancholy fashion. "I really don't know what got into me... but the whack I got certainly knocked some sense back into me." She raised her tiny hand to rest it against her left breast, smiling as she felt her heartbeat. "I'm really glad Enjolras made me wear that bullet proof vest..."

Hilde smiled a little at that, running a hand through her short purple hair before glancing back at Ilene. "Normally, I would tell you that we should let Duo know you're alive...but since he's forgotten all about me, I think that can wait. How long have you been hiding out here, Ilene?" she asked, coming over to help the other girl dust off some of the leaves that were stuck to her clothing.

Ilene looked forlorn. "I wasn't sure if it was safe or not, so I've been kind of hiding out here since the attack. I sneak into the hangar at nights. It's warmer in there."

Hilde tsked. "You must be starving! Let's go get something to eat." She smiled at the other girl. "Shall we?"

Ilene grinned. "Sure!"

Inside the hangar, Duo was oblivious to his recently departed girlfriend. He had Deathscythe, and right now, that was all that matter. The music switched, and another of his favorite Jrock songs came on. He started to bob even more furiously, singing at the top of his lungs.

Duo was nearly done polishing his beloved gundam, but he didn't want to just leave. That would mean turning off his jrock, and he certainly didn't want to do that! His violet gaze slid over to Wing Zero and he grinned. "Hehe..."

The brunette pilot was oblivious to the fact that nearly everyone had abandoned the hanger, not able to stand his out of tune singing any longer. "Hmm...I wonder what Heero's doing? He's usually not away from Wing Zero for long."

Oh well, he decided, perhaps Heero just needed to be shown how to have a little fun. Pursing his lips, Duo wondered how he could draw the former assassin out of his shell...he felt like he didn't know the boy anymore! He could drag Heero to a movie...but the base didn't have a theatre and they weren't allowed to leave the confines of the headquarters yet, as the base was still under high security. So he'd have to find entertainment inside the base. Scratching his head, Duo bopped along to the music and stared up at Wing Zero...then laughed out loud.

Heero was Japanese, and it was time the boy learned to appreciate good Japanese music! Grabbing his toolbox with a wicked grin, Duo set to tinkering with Wing Gundam's comm system, hoping he had enough time to install the sound system before Heero DID come to look for his Gundam.

"MELTY LOVE!" he screeched along with the music. "MELTY LOVE MELTY LOVE MELTY LOOOOOOVE!"

Ilene and Hilde, meanwhile, were at the base's McDonald's (yes, the cursed meat empire still exists- not only that, but it thrives), munching on their meals. Hilde had ordered two super-sized Happy Meals to get the toys, and Ilene was working her way through her second Big Mac. The fries were cold, the drinks were warm, and in general, it wasn't what either of them would have chosen.

"...so them he decides to see exactly how many spitballs he can throw at Ol' Hickory without getting caught... Ilene was saying between bites. "Duo hit him FIVE times before the fossil noticed- on the sixth, he managed to angle it so that it seemed like Helena had thrown it!"

Wufei and Shinobu were sitting a few tables away from Ilene and Hilde, a pile of food sitting in front of them. For some inane reason, they had challenged each other to a eating contest. The Shenlong pilot had to admit this was the most fun he had had in a long time. Shinobu managed to make him laugh, since looking at him was almost like looking at Heero at times. Well, if Heero weren't so...solemn all the time. "Ready?"

Shinobu grinned, took a sip of his soda, and nodded. "Hai!" They each grabbed a burger, unwrapped it, and started stuffing their faces. Both were certain that the other couldn't beat them at this contest.

Distracted from their conversation by weird gurgling and munching noises, Hilde and Ilene looked across the restaurant to see the two boys intensely involved in cramming food into their mouths. They looked at each other, then grabbed their trays and darted over to them.

"Hey!" Hilde yelled. "You can't leave us out of this!!"

The boys looked up and Shinobu caught sight of Ilene. "AGJOWA!" he yelled, which probably would have been "ILENE!" if his mouth hadn't been full of food. As it was, the effort caused a chunk of hamburger to lodge in his trachea and he choked, turning blue.

A high-pitched wheezing sound emerged from him, but Hilde was ready. She dropped her food on the table and got behind him, expertly performing the Heimlich. "You ok?" she asked, as she handed him his soda "Take a drink, you'll feel better," she advise calmly.

Wufei seemed impressed in spite of himself. "You seem to know what you're doing," he commented.

Hilde nodded. "You know how Duo eats," she said, and the quartet shared a laugh. "Hoover" didn't even begin to cover it.

Ilene shook her finger at Shinobu. "You made a mess!" she scolded, trying to pick up the scattered food on the table without her fingers touching the soggy pieces of burger.

Wufei opened his mouth but at that moment the attack sirens went off again (yes, even the McDonald's had attack sirens.) The four of them jumped up and rushed outside in alarm. "Could it be terrorists again?" Ilene said, horrified.

Suddenly, a loud voice boomed over the base speakers. "Allow me a peaceful descent and you will not be harmed!"

Wufei and Hilde turned to each other in disbelief. "No way!" Wufei gasped. "I killed him!"

"On the contrary, my dear Wufei," the voice on the speaker said, and Wufei jumped ten feet into the air. "I am not dead. The war, in fact, is just beginning!"

 


 
Scene VII: We All Fall Down

 

"Be kind to your web-footed friends
For a duck may be somebody's mother!
Be kind to your friends in the swamp
Where the weather is always damp!
You may think that this is the end...is it?"

 
Sally Po woke up. And then she screamed.

A pretty young woman wearing a long white dress approached her, carrying a skein of thread. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past," the woman said.

Sally drew back into herself. "WHAT are you talking about? You look more like Clotho...of the Fates..." Sally snapped. "And that was already DONE, in Trio...."

The woman scowled. "You're not supposed to know about that!" she said. I'm the omnipotent wri- oh shit." she said glumly, tossing the skein aside.

"Quicksilver, I presume?"

The woman sighed and pulled off her blonde wig, revealing a long manic-panic green ponytail. "I told Ger-bear this was a bad idea."

 

Meanwhile, the McDonald's four had rushed from the restaurant in time to see Trieze's shuttle landing. Wufei looked at Hilde, who in turned looked at Shinobu, who then looked at Ilene. She blinked at them. "What?"

Trieze suddenly stepped out of the shuttle, placed his hands on his hips, and let out a long, villainous laugh. "All your base are belong to us! Hahaha!"

Noin stepped up behind the tall man, shaking her head a bit. "Yes, Trieze dear..."

Hilde's eyes rounded. "Noin?! But...you're dead! And so are you, Trieze! This isn't going to turn into something like The Sixth Sense, is it?"

Treize laughed. "Don't worry, Hilde, it isn't you we're concerned about." His gaze snapped to the Chinese boy standing beside the purple-haired girl. "Wufei!"

Wufei was covering his hands with his eyes, muttering "I do NOT see dead people...I do NOT see dead people..."

Shinobu kicked Wufei in the shins and he howled, toppling over. Treize pulled an odd looking weapon from his belt and pointed it at Wufei. The Chinese pilot looked up.

"What the HELL is that?"

Grinning wickedly, Treize ignited his lightsaber. "Wufei, I am your father!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Wufei screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Darkflight screamed. "That means you're related to ME TOO!" (Darkflight had suddenly acquired the ability to teleport instantly between locations)

 

Une and Trowa had made their way into her office, once they had landed in Geneva again. They had to find a way to deal with the whole Trieze and Noin thing...and prevent Zechs from going postal, of course. Of course, that was a bit hard considering they couldn't seem to keep their hands off of one another.

"Mmm...I think...I have Trieze's secret files...in my closet still..." Une murmured, in between kisses. Trowa nodded slightly and maneuvered them over to the closet. Une reached out and opened the door, before jumping into Trowa's arms in shock.

"Dor...Dorothy?! Quatre?!"

The two, in various states of undress, grinned up at them in embarrassment.

"There's plenty of room in here," Quatre said, after recovering from his shock. "Care to join us?"

Trowa looked thoughtful. "What a good idea," he said, climbing into the closet and trying to drag Une in after him.

"Wait!" Une said, disentangling herself from Trowa's grasp and rushing back to her desk.

"What are you doing?" Trowa wanted to know, watching her with puzzlement as she rummaged through the drawers and pulled out a pack of Super Sized Almond Crunch Pocky.

Une marched out of the room with a grim expression on her face. "I'm going to show Treize who's boss around here!"

Dorothy grinned wickedly and straightened her shirt slightly. "Come on, Quat. This is a show you don't want to miss!" He looked like he was going to protest, but then she leaned in close and whispered something to him.

"Bye, Trowa!" he said hastily, leaving his best friend behind.

Trowa followed, wondering what Une was up to.... and when she'd return her attention to HIM.... she was the best at snogging he'd ever had....

Une headed out to the landing area, a triumphant look on her face. Yes, she would defeat Trieze with her Pocky. He'd never know what hit him!

She faltered a bit as Wufei went running past her, in hysterics, screaming something about Trieze not being his father. Heero's assassin friend wasn't far behind either, wailing at the top of his lungs.

 

Zechs, in the meantime, had dashed into the main lobby, dressed in an ill-fitting outfit of Relena's, with a long blonde wig on his head. He had finally lost it, in the face of Trieze's and Noin's betrayal. "WHERE IS SHE???" he yelled. "WHERE'S THAT TWO-FACED BITCH?"

The secretary pointed towards the landing pads and hid under her desk. Zechs ran up happily and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you dear!" he said happily before regaining his dark scowl and dashing towards where she had pointed. Unfortunately, his high heels were hampering his progress, so he got to the landing pad just in time to see Une run up with a box of Pocky to confront Treize and Noin.

"NOIN!" Zechs yelled at the top of his lungs. "I'll never forgive you for this!"

Noin gasped in fright at the sight of her one-time boyfriend/lover in heels, a skirt, a wig, and holding a polka-dotted purse. "Zechs, what a HORRID fashion statement! And where on earth did you get that purse? That is SO last year!"

He blinked. "I'm not Zechs! I'm Milliard!" he pronounced putting his hands on his hips. "And how DARE you put your hands all over my man like that!"

Everyone halted- even Une, who was attacking Treize with her Pocky. Milliard Peacecraft was BI?!?

"I don't think he's yours," an amused voice said, and he turned to see Shinobu clinging to Wufei's arm, trying to comfort the sobbing pilot. Zech's beautiful blue eyes shimmered, and he smiled beautifically.

"Heero-sama! Come here and kill me!" he said in a girlishly high voice.

"Ha! My Men's Pocky can beat your Almond Pocky any day, Une, even if it is super-sized!" Trieze crowed, as he and Une went back to the Pocky duel.

"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?!" Une replied, springing forward and shoving the stick of Pocky she held into Trieze's mouth. Grinning slightly, she bounced back, ignoring his sudden hacking and sputtering. "I win, especially since I remembered that you're allergic to almonds! Take that!"

Une flashed the 'V for Victory' sign, winking at everybody before heading back down the ramp and glomping onto Trowa again. "So...where were we?"

"Help!" sputtered Treize, but it was too late. He'd already swallowed some of the almond.

Noin was trying to stop Zechs from falling over on his high heels and killing himself. "Zechs! Calm down!" she cried.

Zechs wrestled himself away from her. "Get away from me, Noin! I know all your secrets, you know! I can expose them anytime!"

Noin's eyes grew wide with horror. "No!" She begged. "Don't tell them about the SMAP/Backstreet Boys shrine in my closet at the Academy! I'll stay out of your way, I promise!"

Suddenly, things were interrupted with a loud noise from Treize. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. A long, white, furry tail was growing out of his bottom. "Help," said Treize in a small voice.

A small burgundy haired girl was making her way across the landing pad, a white bundle held in her arms. Catching sight of the raving Zechs, she winced a little, and turned to the tall blonde Preventer next to her. "Umm, Mr. Tarrant, sir...are you sure you'll be able to get this straitjacket on him? I could always give him a tranq shot..."

Preventer Tarrant smiled confidently. "Nonsense," he said, stepping up beside Zechs, who was still yelling for Heero to come and kill him, and pinned him to the ground with a smooth motion. Zechs babbled incoherently and grabbed on to Treize's leg, then let go with a yelp as he found it to be covered with white fur, as Treize had turned into a giant white ferret. Ferret-Treize squealed in sympathy.

"On second thought, Ms. Stormrider..." Gerald Tarrant said, "I think we need that tranq shot after all. And would you mind giving a little to Mr. Khushrenada there as well?"

"No problem," the girl said, and efficiently jabbed both of them with the needle. Within seconds Treize and Zechs were out cold. Tarrant lifted Zechs onto his shoulders and gestured to the girl.

"Get the wheelbarrow. We'll dump both of them in there and cart them over to the loony bin."

Heero had had quite enough of the insanity, and headed back to the hangar to polish Wing Zero a little. He'd been looking forward to it for ages. He opened the doors, and winced as he heard the painfully loud music. It could only be one person. "DUO!"

 

Atsuki had found that she was rather hungry after awakening as a vampire, so she prowled around the base, looking for someone to snack on. Where was everyone? Surely that little incident from earlier was over.

Sally Po, meanwhile, was having a nice cut of tea with Quicksilver. "It would have been nice if you'd let me show my medical expertise," she grumbled.

"Hey, I made you a main character, unlike most authors!" Quicksilver pointed out quickly.

Sally was just picking up her delicate china cup for another sip of tea when the door slammed open. "ANOTHER uninvited guest?" she said. "People are so RUDE-" she was cut off as the girl jumped on top of her.

"GET OFF!" Sally yelled. "I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!"

Quicksilver watched with innocent eyes as Atsuki ripped the shoulder of Sally's shirt off in an effort to expose the Preventer General's neck. Sally struggled, but her pathetic human reflexes were no match for the vampire girl's, and Quicksilver made sure to stand safely out of the way as Atsuki pounced.

"QS!" yelled a voice from the door. "Just WHAT do you think you're doing??"

"Oh...hello Ger," Quicksilver said sheepishly. "Didn't think that you would finish off Treize and Zechs so quickly."

Gerald shook his head and watched in horrified amusement as Atsuki bit into the unconscious Sally's neck. Seconds later, Sally's eyes opened, and both authors could see the unearthly glow that shone in them.

"My," Sally said. "Being a vampire isn't so bad."

"See?" Quicksilver said quite quickly as she straightened the ridiculous gown that costuming had forced her to wear, "I finally figured a way to keep my favorite characters truly immortal! I'll make them all vampires!" She laughed wickedly, but Ger hit her upside the head with a rolled-up copy of the Evil Overlord's Handbook.

"You Idiot!!! Vampires immediately put this fic into the cliché!"

"Well, I think people have probably figured out that's what we're aiming for....."

Ger smiled. "I wonder how long it took them to notice the date? April 1, 2002...."

Quicksilver giggled. "I rather thought it was a mean stunt to pull. Perfect, but mean." She smiled. "Do you want to be the one to tell them that ending SnK early is just our April Fool's joke, or should I?"

"You just did. I WILL say that the REAL Act 9.2 will be posted tomorrow...." He glanced nervously at Sally, "And that we should get the hell out of here before Sally decides she needs a snack!"

Quicksilver gulped, raised her skirts to an immodest height, and darted for the door, with Preventer Tarrant right on her heels.

 

"HEERO! Where are you, Heero?!" Relena yelled, running through the Preventers building. There was only one last place to check, and that was the hangar that held the Gundams. "He's probably there..." she muttered. As she drew closer, she could hear very loud music being played. Opening the door to the hangar, her jaw dropped in disbelief. "H-Heero? Duo? What do you think you're doing?! Get your hands off my man!"

Duo looked up from where he had been lip-locked with Heero, a sly grin on his face. "I don't think he's your man any more, Relena." As the music switched to Gackt's Vanilla, Heero yanked Duo down for another kiss, completely ignoring the blonde in the doorway.

As Relena opened her mouth to scream, she felt something crash into her from behind. Recovering, she looked around to find Hilde, Atsuki, and Ilene in the doorway, each looking at the scene with horrified expressions.

"DUO!" Hilde shrieked.

Duo looked up just in time to catch Ilene pulling a furious Hilde back and trying to get her to put down the butcher knife she held in her hand. He grinned. "A crew sees cring knees!"

Quicksilver and Ger, using their authorial powers, materialized to watch the scene.

"Popcorn?" Quicksilver offered.

Tarrant just gave her a Look™. "We're here to finish up."

"Ok, ok... lemme read the credits. This fic was brought to you with the help of Lyra Stormrider, imouto-extraordinaire, the number 6 and 3.14, and the letter F. All characters don't belong to us, never will, even though we usually treat them better than the real series. Finally, all errors and blame for this fall on the shoulder of Gerald Tarrant-"

Gerald stiffened. "The paper doesn't say that!" he protested.

"Yes it does..." Quicksilver said, hastily scrawling on it.

Gerald snatched it away. "You missed something..." He pointed out.

"No I didn't!"

He pointed at a small blob of ink. "And Quicksilver claims responsibility for all typos and misspellings...."

"I do not!" she said.

The two authors faded away, still arguing the blame, leaving behind two happily snogging pilots, four furious women, and a base that was about to be destroyed by vampires and Pocky.

 

NOT END SAINAN NO KEKKA ACT IX

 


 
As you've probably figured by our statements above, this is NOT the real SnK 9.2, neither is it the ending to the story. We hope that our April Fools joke didn't damage any of you permanently (though I think it did damage us permanently while writing it ^^;) and I hope that none of you are upset that we WILL indeed be continuing SnK to its ending in Act 13. Complaints, rants, and rotten tomatoes for the bad humor can be sent to snkauthors@yahoo.com, as always.

Regarding our "announcement," I would hope that we would never have to end SnK in such a manner. If worst came to worst, we would put it on hiatus, but barring freak accidents and acts of nature, we'd never decide to slap an ending on it and call it "complete." We love our fic too much to do that to it. And regarding the novel, yes, we ARE planning to write a novel together, but only AFTER we finish SnK. And we intend to hold you all to your promises of buying it when it comes out. XD

The real Act 9.2 will be posted tomorrow, April 2, 2002.

The Small Print:
Special thanks to Lyra Stormrider for guest-writing on "Act 9.2." Jrock song references are courtesy of Gerald Tarrant and Lyra Stormrider and are, in order of appearance, Glay's "I'm in Love," Shazna's "Melty Love," and Gackt's "Vanilla." "Cause I Got You Babe" belongs to Cher. "All your base are belong to us" is copyright from Toaplan's Zero Wing video game. The Sixth Sense is brought to you by M. Night Shyamalan. Lightsabers, the quote "I am your father," and the subsequent "NOOO!" belong to Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, Star Wars, George Lucas, and LucasArts. Pocky is the property of Glico, Inc. Guest appearance of The White Ferret provided by Draco Malfoy and J.K. Rowling. The Evil Overlord's Handbook provided courtesy of all Evil Overlords everywhere. McDonald's belongs to itself and probably still will in AC 197, as do SMAP and the Backstreet Boys.

 
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