This fic was posted on Monday, May 26, 2003, as a tribute on Memorial Day for all soldiers all over the world, past, present, and future.

 
SHIN KIDOU SENKI GUNDAM WING

SAINAN NO KEKKA
Trauma: Carrington

 
It is impossible to imagine what happens when the light goes out in the world, but for that one instance, it happened. That instant Chang Wufei sliced through Tallgeese, the light went out of our world, and I lost my hope.

I, like so many soldiers at that fight, knew that this was to be the last battle. It seemed to stretch for eternity, ranks upon ranks of mobile suits prepared for the kill. I was one of those anonymous soldiers, ready to fight and die for something that wasn’t really explained to me. I was a Captain in a military that I didn’t understand anymore, but I believed in it, because I believed in Treize.

Treize Khushrenada.

How does someone describe the memory of a man who was larger than life?

The first time I saw Treize in person was the day after Operation Daybreak. For those of you who aren’t in the loop, that was the Operation when Oz burst free of the Federation, overthrowing it. There were many soldiers who had no clue that it was coming, and I was one of them.

Oz had been a tool of the Romafeller for ages, something I hadn’t known when I signed on. I signed on merely to follow the charisma of the young leader who had promised something better, who had a vision. He wasn’t worn out like all the leaders of the Federations; he had passion. He had a goal, he had a vision, and he offered us all the chance to be part of it.

How could I ever reject the chance to be part of something so bold?

I sat in my seat, tensed against the restraints. I had been piloting a suit for longer then my leader had been alive, but I was eager to follow him into battle. I had never see anything on this sheer scale, and I knew I never would again. This was a moment in history being made, and I was a part of it. It was something I would treasure, if I lived through it. Treize was the one who gave that to me, the one who gave me the chance to do something meaningful with my life.

There was tenseness in the air, humming over the intercom with each crisp command. Every now and then I imagined I could hear the others praying to their various deities, hoping that they would defeat the odds and come home safe.

I didn’t bother. If I died, I died. At least I’d die for something I believed in, rather than something that didn’t matter. This wasn’t a politician’s war… it was a war for the people. And it was Treize who led me here, to this moment. For that, I was grateful. It was though he had taken me, personally, by the hand, and whispered the difference between right and wrong in my ear.

I wanted to fulfill his vision.

Instead I watched him die.

At some signal I was unaware of, the machines leapt forward, and our perfect lines blurred. I remember destroying those that crossed my path with ease, for I was one of the best in my unit. I had experience, and I maintained my cool. The others.. they did not.

I occasionally listened to the commands that were directed to me, but this was a mobile suit fight, and it was each soldier for themselves. I watched the elaborate dance, and moved through it as though I had been choreographed as one of the supporting players, never faltering. I can’t tell you how many I killed that day, because unlike the younger soldiers, I knew how to distance myself. The machines in front of me were my obstacles, and I had to remove them.

I knew how the game was played. I didn’t have the reflexes of my youth, but I more than made up for it with experience - and that experience was what kept me to targets that I knew I could take out, rather than the Gundams.

My sensors picked them up a few times, but unlike a raw recruit, I didn’t throw myself at them. None of us knew what side they were on, but I wasn’t stupid enough to try them out. They cleared wide swaths through anyone who went up against them, and my Leo wasn’t a match for one of them. I knew that Treize was out there in Tallgeese, and I had faith that he would be able to bring them down, should it become an issue.

But it didn’t happen that way.

My movements had brought me closer to the beautiful Tallgeese, the ideal of all mobile suits. I was less than half a mile away, scarcely any distance at all in the vastness of space.

I looked down at my controls, watching the tears float away in the emptiness of space. Throwing my Leo forward, I randomly choose one of the others to be my enemy. I didn’t care anymore… I didn’t care…. How could I when the light had gone out of the universe?

I went berserk. My skills weren’t top-notch, but I had years of experience behind me. One mobile suit fell before me, and then another. I didn’t care... They were still out there, these horrid people who let Treize be destroyed.

I didn’t hate anyone… I hated everyone.

Treize was dead! It seemed impossible... he had been my hope, and they had taken it away!

I screamed, and screamed....

And something slammed me from behind, and I lost control of the Leo, but that was alright, for at least the nightmare was ending. As the burning pain took over my world, I knew at least this made sense...

They told me I had been one of the lucky ones.

I woke on the Peacemillion, as did many of the soldiers who had been located. I had beaten the odds: my Leo hadn’t immediately blown up after the hit I had taken, and my oxygen supply had lasted long enough for them to find me. There were many soldiers listed as “Missing: Presumed Dead” and if I had floated for another five hours, my name would have been on that list.

I didn’t feel lucky. My body was wrapped from head to toe in bandages, and they had shaved my hair off. Not that I was vain, but I didn’t want to be an invalid. And the worst thing was I had been on the losing side. Treize was dead, and the Gundams had won. We had lost.

Sally Po was my doctor, those first few days. She was running herself ragged, trying to take care of too many patients with too few supplies, but she recognize my depression before I did. Three days after the battle, she made a point to stop by my bed. She looked down at me, and I saw the sympathy in her eyes. I hated it. I looked for sympathy from no one.

“You’re alive, Sarah,” she said.

“Call me Carrington,” I demanded. I hated my first name; Sarah was a soft name, a name for a woman. I was a soldier.

She nodded, and there was something about her eyes that remained carefully neutral. I was to learn that her calm was in stark contrast to General Une’s short temper, something that people relied on and trust in. “You’re alive, Carrington,” she said. “You’ve got some pretty… extensive burns. I’d say forty percent of your body, maybe a little more,” she said.

I looked at the gauze that covered my arms, wondering how extensive the scarring would be. “I guess I’ll never go to those nude beaches in France again,” I said.

“Did you ever? It’s not your style,” Sally said. She looked at me compassionately. “They want to muster you out… the remains of Romafeller and Oz, that is,” she informed me gently.

I jerked, ignoring the pain that coursed through me. I had been in the service for over half my life, and now they were discarding me? I felt the corner of my left eye twitch, a sure sign that I was on the verge of sheer panic. “So that’s that,” I said flatly. “I’m too old.”

She shook her head, and I studied her young face, realizing for the first time that she was young enough to be my daughter.

Damn it, where had the years gone?

“There’s some concern over your mental health, Carrington,” she said softly.

I snorted. “Damn shrinks. I’m fine.”

“Don’t knock it… but I personally think it’d be worse for you to remove you from the military life. You’re a career officer, and it’s definitely something we’re going to need. We’ve shifted governments so many times in the last year that I couldn’t even keep track of who was in charge… and there’s still civil unrest. We lost a lot of good people, Carrington, and we’re going to need them to put things back together.”

“Put them back together how?” I asked suspiciously.

She stared at me. “Lady Une is talking about putting together an organization that works with whatever world government they set up, a military force. She wants to gather the remnants of all the militaries and form them into an agency that whatever government emerges can use to prevent outbreaks of war. Prevention is key, is what she is saying, and a lot of us agree.” Her eyes locked on mine, and I wondered why she seemed to be challenging me.

“So?” I asked.

“So? What are you going to do now, Carrington? You’re spent most of your life as a soldier… are you just going to roll over and play dead now that your organization is dead?” she said. “I’ll give you a waver, if you want to join the Preventers… but it’s your choice.” She moved towards the door, but hesitated right on the threshold. “You know, the one thing we can’t change is the past… but if we remember, we can make a better future,” she said, then vanished.

I stared at where she had disappeared from, and wondered if she had been a hallucination. I wondered if I was dead… I should have been. Still, it didn’t matter, because I was alive.

And though I would wait until the next morning, I knew I would accept the offer… because I was not dead. And it was the living who shaped the world. Treize was dead, and I was one of his heirs. We were all heirs to the world he had given us, and it was up to us to finish what he had started.

 
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