Destiny Is...
Author: Ai-chan
Email: kaen17@hotmail.com
Warnings: spoilers; sap
Type: songfic

	Chichiri: Well, once again I come across the main problem I have about songfics. I am totally unfamiliar with the song and so it becomes a poemfic no da! It's a nice light romantic piece though. It's unusual to see something done with Tatara and Suzuno. In fact I think this has merit for a fanfic no da! I have to rate this only 4 kasas as I don't know the song and therefore cannot experience the entire feel for the piece.
	Tasuki: *scratches head* Ehh, that was nice, in a mushy way. It was missing a few commas, that was its only grammar problem. It had a detached feeling to it by the way it kept jumping back and forth, but I'm sure with the song in the background it would have been really nice. Seemed pretty accurate, and not bad, over all. I really can't say much on this, since it's not really my type of fic. Have to rely on Hotohori, Nuriko, Chichiri and them.
	Hotohori: The idea behind this songfic seems like it was a good one, but I don't know. It seemed to be too choppy, non-linear, and it really didn't flow well. The transitions in the piece were too jarring for my tastes, and at times the point of view seemed to switch. I have to give this 2 kasas.
	Chiriko: Our wonderful emperor has decreed that I am to finish up these reviews, so.... *puts on glasses and starts rummaging through a pile of backlogged scrolls* Ok... let's start with a songfic. Remember, I'm not too fond of them, so whatever I say should be taken with a grain of salt. Basically, this is a rough draft. It's not horrible, but there's room for improve. Here are my suggestions: First, make sure you capatilize ALL sentences. It's a pet peeve of mine. Second, commas. Learn when to use them- some would help make the fic more easily read. Third, try not to rush the story. You have a good plot here, now flesh it out some. You've got some nice turns of phrase- The last line is especially powerful- 2 kasas.
	Nuriko: I... well... *Sighs* I couldn't get through this, gomen. Too much song, not enough fic, and I didn't know the song to begin with. Chichiri's right, it tends to make the songfic into a poemfic, but I just couldn't get a feel for the story. One of the main problems I see with songfics is that there's several lines of lyric for every few lines of actual fic. The song should complement the story, not take over. Other than a few grammatical and punctuation errors, I didn't see anything wrong with it, but it just didn't catch me the way I like fics to do.
	Mitsukake: Hmm...the others have pretty much covered everything. However, I will add that the "scene labels" (like "~~~ Skip to present – Suzaku & Seiryuu No Miko’s time ~~~") are probably the one thing that the author most needs to change. These sorts of things make what *should* have been a smooth-flowing story very choppy and hard to follow-not to mention that they start setting off my 'script-fic' alarms. Perhaps instead they could be replaced with a line of asterisks and the scene transition could open with a little descriptive language? It wouldn't have to be much, but it would definitely restore some of the feeling I think the story was meant to have. Also, as Tasuki said, it *did* feel detached. Some of it does need heavy editing. For instance, the last line of the fic IS good, but the 'in the first place' kind of makes it...I don't know a good word...mundane? Maybe a little more life needs to be put in. A little of the dialogue falls flat, but nothing in here is beyond the help of a couple of beta-readers and a second draft. I'm looking forward to seeing the revision, if we get it. ^_^

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