Suzaku Seishi Fan Fiction Review: Evil

Evil
Author: Eternal Angel
Email: stargazing12@hotmail.com
Warnings: none
Type: drama

Tamahome:
What to say, what to say...
Gramatically, very good. Spelling's great.
The plot... is where I run into difficulties.
Nakago's reaction to Soi's death, like Nuriko's death, is one of the most popular areas for fanfic writers. I think it's because Blond Stone Face just didn't seem to react, so the writer attempts to make up the lack. Between the challenge of getting inside Nakago's head and such an evocative event, many writers have drawn their own images of what went through his head at that time. Which, of course, makes it that much harder for a fic to stand out from the crowd.
I would love to say that 'Evil' is one of those fics that do. Unfortunately, I can't. It's a good fic - don't get me wrong - it's just that it has to stand up against other good fics, and, while it doesn't bomb, nor disgrace its name, it gets lost in the crowd.

Mitsukake:
Well, before I say anything else I should mention that the formatting of this fic is doing very unnatural things on my computer. (Shut it, hentais!) There are a lot of rectangles scattered about...very distracting.
There seem to be a few words left out here and there, along with a few awkwardly long sentences. But I'll leave the grammar stuff to those who know better (*ahemCHIRIKOahem*), ne? ^_^ Other than that...it's good.
Unfortunately, as Tamahome-san mentioned, sometimes 'good' isn't enough. To stand out from the hordes of similar fanfics out there, this story is going to need some work. It lacks, for me at least, the sort of real emotional reaction that makes a truly awesome piece of writing. The narrative voice just falls flat, even for Nakago. I'm sorry to say that I'm not a good enough writer to be able to say "Make *these* changes and it will stand out!", so this is where my advice ends. Gomen.

Nuriko:
Tamahome and Mits said it best... there are a lot of Nakago-introspection fics out there, and one has to be above and beyond what anyone expects to even get a small lead on them.
I had a hard time reading this one. My computer wasn't doing strange things like Mits's was, but the paragraphs and such just seemed a bit choppy, too short to really give the reader a sense of feeling before switching off to another tangent of thought. I've seen that tactic before, but usually when describing the thought processes of someone who has lost all reason.
If there was one thing I don't think Nakago was, it's insane.
A definate good beginning, but it needs a bit more to fully flesh out the potential of this story. It's hard to step into Nakago's mind, but you've got a good grasp of it thusfar.
2 kasas.

Chiriko:
Tamahome and Mits said it best... there are a lot of Nakago-introspection fics out there, and one has to be above and beyond what anyone expects to even get a small lead on them.
I had a hard time reading this one. My computer wasn't doing strange things like Mits's was, but the paragraphs and such just seemed a bit choppy, too short to really give the reader a sense of feeling before switching off to another tangent of thought. I've seen that tactic before, but usually when describing the thought processes of someone who has lost all reason.
If there was one thing I don't think Nakago was, it's insane.
A definite good beginning, but it needs a bit more to fully flesh out the potential of this story. It's hard to step into Nakago's mind, but you've got a good grasp of it thusfar.
2 kasas.

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