Suzaku Seishi Fan Fiction Review: Nocturne

Nocturne
Author: KelseyML
Email: KelseyML@aol.com
Warnings: Shounen ai, angsting
Type: Angst, romance

Chiriko:
WAI WAI WAI! I'm the first to review this time around! ^_^ *Chiriko smiles, then bounces around like a Nyan-Nyan*
First off, formatting. On ff.net, remember to add a break between paragraphs to make it easier. It's hard to read otherwise.
Ok, technical aside, I found this very simple. I had no clue who was doing the speaking till the end (the author's obvious intent) and I didn't like it. This could be a fic between ANY character in FY to another... or almost any anime.
Fan fiction, to my mind, should make it clear WHY you're writing in whatever anime/fandom. I would detail this piece so it's more specific to its protaganist. Make me understand why you chose Koiji and Genrou... make me understand its them before the end- or, at least, make me understand that it's in the FY universe.
2.5 kasas- well written, but it's not really fanfic to my thinking.

Tamahome:
First off - Formatting! Gah! I don't like fanfiction.net at the best of times (long story, involving multiple incidents of plagiarism and friends and arguments) but there's one rule you simply must follow, be it on fanfiction.net, an ML or a webpage - separate your paragraphs. Indent, skip lines, indent AND skip, whichever you choose, just DO IT. Otherwise there's an intimidating block of text sitting there that readers won't touch.
Secondly... who's speaking here? While Chiriko has an opinion (and I can't say he's wrong, because for all I know he isn't) I can't say with any certainty that he's right. FY fanfiction convention has MANY people calling Firebaby 'Genrou' or (if romantic) 'Gen-chan'. I don't consider that definitive identification.
Nor, apart from that small identifier right at the end, is there any indicator of the object; for a while there I thought it was Nakago, being mused over by Tomo or Soi! And I only thought that, really, because I *knew* it had to be FY. There were no signals.
I really don't like things like that. While I like twists with the best of them, I like to be able to read over the story and say, "I can't *believe* I *missed* that!" I want to be able to think that the author gave me a chance to pick up on the clues. There are no clues here at all.

Tasuki:
Oi, I gotta agree with the formattin thing and that yah had no idea who the f@#$ was speakin or who they were speakin ta until the last few lines. Even then yah can only take a guess.
It just a bit irritatin cause yah can't associate it as yah read it. Seems like a nice and cuddly, sweet, mushy, heart warmin fic... *pauses to slap his own cheek to stay awake* but makin it a bit clearer as ta who the hell is talkin would help a lot.
As it is, I can't offer much in way of personalization er whatever, cause it was just a lot of 'blah blah blah' ta me. No one fought or screamed or killed anythin so I'm kinda useless in this type of fic.

Mitsukake:
*taps fingers on the tabletop*
The others have made some good points, and I agree with most of them. This *is* a rather simple piece, and seems to be little more than a rehash of the standard yaoi angst bit. While those are not necessarily bad (just as not all Nuriko deathfics are bad, sorry Nuriko but it's the best example ^_^), any fic of that type is going to have to go the extra distance to stand out from the crowd.
First, there really needs to be some indication of who's speaking. Tasuki probably hates when we mention this, but he really has been paired up with a LOT of people. Could be anyone from Nuriko to Tamahome, or Chichiri (that line about letting the mask slip...oi. ^^;;) , Kouji...And if it wasn't for the fact that this story was labeled 'shounen ai', and the fact that there aren't any women (that we know of *wink*) who Tasuki both considers a friend and is willing to share a bed with, this could literally be *anyone*.
But my real gripe is with the flow of the story, with the voice. The tone seems to be aiming for something like quiet contemplation, like a smooth and serene river. But the story gets broken up, wandering out on tangents and there is some word usage that somewhat kills the poetic mood. Here's an example:
"I bite my lip and exhale softly, stopping that train of thought before my conscience, or whatever other annoying voice people have in their heads, can continue insulting me."
This is a perfect example. This fragment starts out smooth, easy, and starts to draw the reader in...until the phrase "whatever other annoying voice people have in their heads". That has a jarring tone, and startled me enough when I read it that I lost the feeling of being drawn in. It's like...hmm...being hypnotized. Other than the slow, calm voice of the hypnotist, there is either silence or maybe quiet instrumental music. The whole effect is ruined by, say, a car horn in the street outside.
The warning against cliche phrases and situations from the Heart of Silver, Soul of Glass review I did goes for this as well. While there may only be a little of it now...be careful, for cliches tend to grow like weeds when you aren't looking. ^_^
All things considered, I have to look at this as somewhat of a first draft. It does have potential, but the author might wish to go back through and work on the word choices and general flow of the story. Some words flow smoothly, and some don't-it's a hard trial and error to get used to it, but I think this writer can pull it off. I'd like to see a revision, if one is done. This could be very, very good ideed. :)

Chichiri:
(What's with the sudden rush of yaoi all of a sudden no da??????? Well, since it isn't clear who it is who is speaking (or thinking) I'll go ahead and review.)
It is a tender piece, but a bit difficult to read. If this were a longer story, I imagine it would give one a headache after a while.
I give this 3 kasas. (And I do hope it isn't intended for me to be the speaker no da!)

Hotohori:
This fic just seemed to run together to me. I don't know if it's the fact I haven't been sleeping well so my senses are dulled, or just the formatting. I couldn't tell who the speaker was supposed to be, the only clues I could find was the speech patterns. Based on that alone...I would have to say Kouji, but...*shrugs*
The story just didn't do anything for me. I have to agree with everyone else, it seems more like a first draft than anything. The storyline doesn't flow along smoothly like a fic should.
2 kasas

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